||[Nov. 6th, 2008|10:00 am]
I have had a rash of spam lately exhorting me to become "Like a Tiger in Bed". |
For starters, Tigers smell. Sure, from a distance, not so bad, just a little musky -- but two of them, cramped up your bedroom? The crazy cat lady's house down the street will start to smell like roses in comparison.
Females have to come into heat in order to be interested in sex. Otherwise, they will try to kill you. A few beers, buddy, and that could give new meaning to poor judgement.
When they're in heat, they will mark with distinctive strong smelling urine mixed with anal gland secretions. You know, in case, just having a pair of tigers in the bedroom wasn't stanky enough for you.
Copulation lasts a whopping 15-30 seconds. Whoop-de-do.
Any of you girls who are thinking "yeah, but that bitey-clampey thing male tigers do to the girl's neck"...just remember that sometimes the boys screw up and kill the female. C'mon, you've each had enough clumsy lovers...an elbow in the nose doesn't seem so bad now, does it?
Not to mention, a tiger's john thomas has spines. Which explains, why, when they're done, she usually bitch-slaps him, sometimes severe enough to open up his face.
Nah, you want to sell me ersatz meds to improve my performance, go with something long, slow and amazingly elegant considering the shape of the bodies involved -- although "Be like a slug in bed" doesn't have the same ring. Okay, how about "have sex like you had the knees of a twenty year old"? Now, THAT I can get behind!