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terribleturnip

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Things that make life easier [Jul. 1st, 2009|07:12 am]
terribleturnip
July? Really? Expletive.



I'm a firm believer in the cumulative power of small things to make your life better. Seriously, admit it, it's not the really big stuff that gets you down usually, the money, the failed relationship, some big flaming disaster at work, the grizzly bears of life, if you will.

It's being pecked to death by ducks that gets you. You're holding it together, in the face of everything, but then, you get down to the garage and realize you've left tonight's dinner upstairs in the office fridge. And then you make a trip out of your way over to Petco to get the special dog biscuits (don't ask) but today, they're out of stock. Fine, so swing by Target to get the only pantyhose that you like in your price range and there's only two pairs in your size and when you get home, you realize you failed to notice that one pair is the "footless" kind. Which I don't even understand the point of.

But all of that's okay. You can deal. Let's take out the trash. And you pull the bag out and splurge, it's been leaking in the bottom of the can and now you've got the ooze of Cthulu pooling not only in the bottom of the can, but slowly making it's way across the kithen floor. But you can't reach another bag without letting go of the stinking, sliming bag of death, which will then vomit its contents all over the place and you don't remember what the hell's in there, but whatever it is, it's NOT GOOD and you don't want to have to pick it up, even though you are just the kind of resourceful person who keeps latex gloves under the sink, but really, you suspect you'll puke doing it and THEN that will be a mess. And if you hadn't used up all of your personal resources with work and all of the day's previous trauma, you'd be able to think "just tie off the top of the damn bag, let go of it and get out another bag to dump it in." But you can't. Because the ducks have been at you ALL DAY and suddenly if you let go of that bag you will just DIE, so you reach one more time for the drawer that has the trash bags in it and that's when you feel the back twinge...

But that actually doesn't happen to me anymore. At least the part about all of the oozing, the rest of course, is normal daily routine. Because I have learned this: before you put your trash bag in the can, you fold a section of newspaper in half and put it in the bottom, so that if there's a bag failure, it soaks it up. And before you put trash in the bag, put another section of newspaper in the bottom of that, so that if you DO create Ooze of Cthulu, it can be soaked up before it threatens the integrity of the bag.

This I learned as a personal chef -- because I had to pack out everyone's trash to my car every day. And while admittedly, that was always FRESH trash, as opposed to what evolves over days in my home trash, still, ooze is ooze. And ooze in your car upholstery's got some staying power.

I will also share this other secret, I've learned more recently. Re-usable bags for your groceries? Screw that.

You know what works way better? Boxes. Especially those boxes that hold office paper, because they've got handles. More sanitary are the milkcrate type boxes you can get at office supply stores, because you can hose them down. Don't have room in the car? You can get double size milk crate containers that fold down flat at The Container Store.

Those folding crates are frankly, damn handy to have in the car anyway. Trust me, they can be pecking duck killers. As are the trash bag, scissors, regular tape, and duct tape you always carry around in the car. Because they will save your life, keep you from the last straw, as often as jumper cables. Because you never know when you'll have to wrap a present at the last minute. Or dispose of a body.

Be prepared. It fends off the ducks.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: thatliardiego
2009-07-01 12:31 pm (UTC)
As are the trash bag, scissors, regular tape, and duct tape you always carry around in the car.

I suspect this is only the start of the Go-Go-Gadget kit you keep in your car...
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[User Picture]From: sestree
2009-07-01 12:46 pm (UTC)
As are the trash bag, scissors, regular tape, and duct tape you always carry around in the car.

ummm yeah and with my luck I'd forget the top was down on the jeep and the truckers would NOT be honking at my skirt flying up around my head anymore as all of that would be on the southbound lanes of I-95 .....

and then someone would likely gather them and use them to dispose of MY body *snicker*



Edited at 2009-07-01 12:47 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: ginger_rose
2009-07-01 12:49 pm (UTC)

*sigh*

Yeah. July. Colorful metaphors and expletives abound.

Folding crates sound brilliant. Could use some duck killers at the moment.

(completely enjoyed this -- as usual. I hope you've been told how enjoyable your ponderings are. Thanks!) :)
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[User Picture]From: skivee
2009-07-01 05:15 pm (UTC)
"...trash bag, scissors, regular tape, and duct tape you always carry around in the car."
You forgot the rope, Polaroid camera, and facemask.
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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2009-07-01 05:43 pm (UTC)
The sad thing is, to thatliardiego's point, I DO have rope and a digital camera in the car. No facemask, but I DO have latex gloves. And a maul. Because...really, you never know.
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[User Picture]From: skivee
2009-07-01 05:49 pm (UTC)
As long as you have what you need.
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