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terribleturnip

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Breakfast [Mar. 26th, 2010|08:48 am]
terribleturnip
I was all ready to write a rant, having seen a sausage, cheese and egg breakfast sandwich made on a glazed doughnut, about the dimming of America's tastebuds...having this week already gone on a tear (you weren't there for it, be glad) about how I wanted to pinion anyone who said "Oh, Costco makes a pretty good cake" and handfeed them a homemade cake to REMIND them, that actually a Costco cake tastes like artificial ass and is just less horrible than the whatever grocery store cake they had last time. Seriously, it does. Taste like ass. Sweet, sugary, hydrogenated, artificial cake-ass. My tongue recoils just thinking about it.

I beg you, make a cake from scratch this weekend -- no freaking boxes, no freaking cans of icing -- and revel in it's glorious purity and fine taste. THAT'S some buttery, sweet, sugary goodness. Serious cake.

If you can't tell the difference...please don't tell me, because I will probably put you in detox.

Whoops. Looks like my previous rant on cakes is in re-runs. Lucky you! Thankfully, you're only getting the Reader's Digest abridged version. Unless you're a huge fan of expletives, arm waving and various baking ingredients being used as props. In which case, well, I dunno, come over some time and bait me. I've got a hair trigger.

Anyhoo, I was going to do that rant -- I mean, really, that breakfast sandwich is just about excess -- I can be more excessive than YOU. And right now, America, frankly, you need to rein that sh*t in. Control yourselves. It's bad enough we're known as fat and loud and tasteless. But now we seem to be trying to outdo each other in toddler-behavior. Big, giant fat-ass toddlers in red, white and blue polyester tracksuits, having temper tantrums, sulks, whacking each other with blocks on the playground, vying to see how much we can have. Not only can I have a giant two-person serving of sausage and eggs and cheese, but rather than put in on a high-calorie, low-nutrient bagel, I can put it on a sugary, deep fried doughnut. Yay, ME, I am the KING of EXCESS!

Not to mention, taste-wise, there is just too much going on for that to taste good. That's three different fats vying for attention. If you think it tastes good, that's just your tastebuds surrendering, screw it, batten down the hatches, fellow buds and see if we can live through this.

But now I can't do that rant, I cannot pick on fellow citizens, because this morning, while looking for something completely different, I found a package of Hostess Snowballs hiding behind a box of barley, and you would have thought I found the Holy Grail of Food. Ooooh!

Damn it. Nothing like a package of artificially colored and flavored, partially hydrogenated snack crap to take the wind out of the sails of your righteous indignation.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: sestree
2010-03-26 01:24 pm (UTC)

If I want fat and empty calories for breakfast...

I make wheat toast, (very crisp), spread on raspberry or strawberry jam (or preserves) and top with crisp bacon.

Now *that* is some lovely empty calories and high fat. A sweet, salty, crunchy taste sensation :D

and yes I was eating that LOOOONG before Judith Krantz wrote Scruples.
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[User Picture]From: sweetpea86
2010-03-26 05:05 pm (UTC)

Re: If I want fat and empty calories for breakfast...

OH HELL YEAH.

It may be excessive, but I'll guild ANY lily with bacon if given the chance.

ps: Anything bagel w/cream cheese & bacon? "A trip to the moon, on gossamer wings..." as Frank Sinatra sings.
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[User Picture]From: sestree
2010-03-26 05:18 pm (UTC)

Re: If I want fat and empty calories for breakfast...

YUM

I actually like Panera Asiago Cheese bagels, plain toasted, with bacon.
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[User Picture]From: bittibuddha
2010-03-26 02:22 pm (UTC)
its nutritional atrocities like that, and the tv programs that glorify them, to which I attribute the most effect in my own weight maintenance. I feel ill and threatened just looking at them, ergo: will only eat healthy things in fight-or-flight response.

But man, do I miss twinkies sometimes.
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[User Picture]From: giantsloth
2010-03-26 03:59 pm (UTC)
My righteous indignation over some of the processed gunk that folks ingest here usually dies around 3pm, when I give in and get a Nip-Chee and a Diet Dr. Pepper from the snack machine.
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[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2010-03-27 11:40 pm (UTC)
No one says it like you do, Turnip.

I agree with you about the cake issue. We were at a birthday party the other day and the cake, a giant sheet of carrot cake with dozens of little icing carrots on it, was not only bland it was aggressively un-tasty. Too sweet, too moist, too much frosting, too many slivered almonds, too TOO everything except cake-y goodness. And weirdly, nothing tasted like it was supposed to- not the carrots, not the sugar, not the almonds. It was actually quite a feat to use potentially delicious ingredients and create something inedible. I didn't finish more than one bite of my tiny portion. I will happily sin and eat wheat when it's good but not when it's drek.

Hey- why don't you come up with a Hostess Snowball of your own? I mean, if you haven't already done so. I bet it would be amazing.
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[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2010-03-27 11:42 pm (UTC)
And since other folks are posting their favorite home made treats, here's my childhood personal best:

Whole wheat bread toasted, spread with lots of butter while still hot so the butter melts then a layer of melted chocolate chips. Fold so it all blurs together and eat before it gets cold. This beats even Paris' pain au chocolat.

Now I'm missing bread.

Gr.
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