|Why I shouldn't be left alone....
||[Feb. 11th, 2011|11:07 pm]
I know, I should have breathalyzer attached to my keyboard. But I don't. So you win. Or lose. Depends on how quickly you read and how low your standards are, I guess. The only saving grace we have here is that I type for crap when I've had a bottle of wine, so I can only be so productive. |
Dear Producers of CSI,
I've been struggling with your franchise, I'll admit it. I ADORED the original. Because I am all about the gross. And interesting characters. I tried to like Miami. But after a year or two, I began to feel that the lighting and the sunglasses were the stars of the show, and frankly, yeah, yeah, yeah, drugs, alligators, boats and bikinis...only the gators held my attention. And I tried to like New York. I did. But a dearth of attractive or even fascinating male characters and well, frankly that Kankaredes chick...I have always wanted to have hair like that -- but seriously, it's a goddamned crime scene. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be waving a giant curly mane around in it. Tie that shit back, chica, you're contaminating the scene. I have visions of some poor lab tech going "Oh, hey, I got a hair...damnit, curly, black, greek ancestry...christ on a cracker, girl, don't you OWN a scrunchy?
So, I withdrew back to Vegas. I had too many other demands on my time anyway. And Grissom left and well........I'm not sure how you can continue to mismanage Mr. Fishburne's talent, but yet, damn near every week...you do. It's like giving a Porsche to my mother. She's just going to drive 55, dudes...don't waste it!
(For the record, the women in my family are actually pretty aggressive drivers. But I will LIE about my flesh and blood for a joke, people. I am UNTRUSTWORTHY in pursuit of a line.)
I'm not going to go out on a limb and say that Peterson made the show...but you people are flubbing every opportunity to prove otherwise.
But that's not why I'm typing, backspacing and re-typing tonight. (Seriously, I couldn't just cork the freaking bottle halfway down? It will be 1 am before I finish this at this rate...)
I watched Vegas just the other night and tonight I watched New York. And I demand this: Do you people buy tankerloads of Botox or what? That's really the reason I'm in the bag right now. I played a drinking game with myself. Every scene that Sela Ward (who replaced the giant hair chick and for whom I have always had a big giant crush because she has the world's best EYEBROWS, Bar NONE) is in, if I couldn't perceive the slightest bit of movement in her face above her eyes, I had to drink.
My darling producers, I had to lower the bar to "any movement above her MOUTH" because I freaking TORE through that bottle. Honest to god, Joan Rivers' face shows more animation. Although that could just be the seams shifting from time to time.
I have a high def tv. I put my glasses on. And still nothing.
I already play this game with Vegas. Except that I just default, drink the run and pour anotherm because I know that Marg Helgenberger's face isn't budging. It's pulled so tight that I spend the whole episode wanting to creep up on the screen and just tap her on the forehead to see if she'll shatter into a billion pieces. Thank you so MUCH for the new hairstyle that covers up the giant shiny, unmoving plastic expanse of her forehead. I just kept looking at that, and looking at her old lady neck and thinking "Am I the only person who is sitting here wondering why she's got that old lady neck, is starting to look Chinese, her skin is pulled back so tight and she's still dressing like she's 29?
What I find somewhat cheery is that I was under the impression that since they looked so damn "fake", they must be really old and trying to birdge that gap between 30 and 60. And then I found out that they are actually only a little bit older than I am.
Which makes me feel incredibly cheery...for someone whose anti-aging regime is to be fat and blow $30 on some Loreal Regenerist cream. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying that I'm in their league, looks-wise...but seriously, I AM going to stop sweating about my neck rings...because compared to ol' Marg, I should be celebrating. And Sela's still got those amazing eyebrows, but seriously, sweetheart, it EXHAUSTS me just watching your entire face NOT MOVE A MUSCLE. EVER. I will gladly take my forehead creases, if it means I can have an EXPRESSION on my face.
Although I may be biased -- because seriously, Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep are my role models, looks-wise. I know, they look older...but to me, hotter. Because they look like human beings.
But that could just be that when I watch them do something, I can actually concentrate on what they're doing and not get halfway through the show realizing that I have NO idea what's going on in the show because I was too busy watching for a forehead twitch.