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Note to My Cats - It seemed like a good idea at the time... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
terribleturnip

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Note to My Cats [Apr. 25th, 2007|08:03 am]
terribleturnip
[Current Music |Kate Bush, Red Shoes]

Dear Mouse,

Rubber Bands are office supplies, not food. If you insist on playing with them, please don't ingest them...once inside a puked up hairball, they look way too much like tiny guts, or a serious worm problem. And my heart can't take that first thing in the morning.

Dear Spike,

If I left an object on the surface, please leave it there. If I'd wanted it on the floor, I would have put it there in the first place. Also, please cease and desist with your Galilean experiments incorporating the water bowl. Yes, a cell phone dropped into the water bowl from counter height DOES fall at the same rate as my date book. However, they're both then wet and that really toasts my whiskers.

Dear Jasper,

Dental floss is a personal hygiene item, not a kitty snack. It's demeaning enough that I have to shave your fluffy butt to keep you from getting "ass dreads", but having to clip off protruding floss from one end or another is getting me down. Not to mention, it's going to wind around an internal organ and kill you. Probably only after a mountain of vet bills. So, stop it.

Dear Pushkin,

Or, as you prefer to be known, Spawn of Satan. Quit stealing my stuff. I know you think it's just a game -- and it is pretty cute to see you making off with a necklace, a key chain, pretty much anything that's long and and has a jingly thing on one end. But really, you've got too many hiding places and I'm at the age where I'm easily convinced of incipient Alzheimer's when I can't find my keys.

And whichever one of you is bolting huge quantities of dry food, turning around, taking four steps and promptly vomiting it back up, with just enough stomach juice to make it gross...please consider eating more slowly. If you can't do that, could you at least try to vomit on a single, level, smooth surface? Instead of over the edge of the counter into my shoes or purse? Please?
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: madam_macaw
2007-04-25 01:07 pm (UTC)
OMG - I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with your little creatures, though I have to admit, your writings have me in hysterics right now. I am not laughing at you but...........
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[User Picture]From: pinkribbonwench
2007-04-25 01:46 pm (UTC)
Hmm - I also have a cat named Mouse, and he also has a rubber fetish. He does that bolting-turning around-hurling thing too, but occasionally he saves it up long enough to make it to my husband's slippers.

Doppelganger kitty!
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[User Picture]From: sestree
2007-04-25 03:19 pm (UTC)
I'm so lucky - all Sebastian does is leave little goodies inside my shoes for me to find when I put them on.

Cat food.

Bugs.

Pieces of toy shredded toy. (yeah rabbit fur + bare toes = stopped heart)

Catnip treats.

It could be worse ... he leaves snot in pyllgrum's shoes. I'm not kidding - he goes and sneezes in them.
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[User Picture]From: pyllgrum
2007-04-25 06:38 pm (UTC)
Tuxedo kitties are not nice to my shoes. A previous tuxedo cat of my step-daughter use to pee in my shoe.

I am so oppressed...
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[User Picture]From: mistressfetch
2007-04-25 04:36 pm (UTC)
Reading this is hilarious, being the recipient of course, is not. I've seen your cats in action. The Spike thing...while funny, wasn't when all your dayplanners got dropped in the cat water :-)

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