|Run in with the Law
||[Jun. 27th, 2012|09:57 am]
So, I’m driving to my doctor’s appt – where we discovered that yes, I had an ear infection – which required antibiotics with a $60 co-pay, Cipro for my ears? Really? Seemed like overkill, but it’s hard to argue when it feels like someone’s repeatedly jabbing knitting needles into the side of your head. Of course, the reason I had an ear infection had something to do with my body now producing ear CAULK, as opposed to ear wax, which entailed a very painful hour in the doctor’s office, much cursing on both our parts, and will probably require bi-annual visits for maintenance. Awesome. I LOVE growing old. “Haven’t we done this before?” the doctor asked me. “No, that was back when I had the eyelash stuck to my eardrum” I replied. “Oh, right” she said “That was weird.” I really need to switch doctors, as this one doesn’t accept insurance, so my insurance repays only a tiny fraction, but I really, really tremble at the thought of someone else looking at my file. |
Anyway, as I’m driving to the doctor’s, I’m having some issues in the car – namely a spider. I’m okay with spiders. I actually love spiders. I think they are awesomely cool and the only ones that I ever harm are those cellar spiders that make those crappy webs all over my basement…and well, okay, all over my house if I don’t manage the basement population, thus the Pol Pot of cellar spiders activities.
But not in the car. Not while I’m driving. Look, I don’t care if it’s a GERBIL, when I’m strapped into a seat, driving a big hunk of metal, I don’t want ANYTHING running around loose. I was okay when the spider descending from the ceiling toward my lap. I lowered the window, and tried to wave it out the window, which sort of made my car lurch to one side a little, but hey, back road, no one in the other direction, no big deal.
Unfortunately, as a spider removal maneuver, it was a failure. Instead it wound up on my arm and skittered down my arm. Again, standing outside in the yard, or even in the house, I’d be checking it out, seeing what kind, etc.
Trapped inside a moving vehicle, whole ‘nother ball of wax. Frantic arm waving and the WAAAH! sound were what I had. Which was fine, until a few seconds later when it ran UP my leg. More freaking out as much as you can with your seatbelt on and needing to keep control of a car, and more WAAAH. So I realize that right now my universe is me and this spider and I need to stop trying to drive at the same time, so I pull over, thinking, I need to get this expletive spider out of the car or I’m going to have an accident, because skitter running up your leg while strapped down and driving…I don’t care HOW freaking harmless it is, my cognitive ability vanishes and all I’ve got left is primitive reactions. And they clearly can’t drive for expletive.
So I pull over, and suddenly I hear this “Whoop!” behind me. Yes, now to add to my joy, the police are now involved. And I’m thinking, okay, you do not want to be making any sudden moves as a police officer approaches your car. I know I’m normal and harmless – but the officer would be an idiot to assume so. Thankfully, the spider lies low, so I don’t get a gun pulled on me and the officer is relatively relaxed when he says “You were driving a bit erratically there, m’am, can I ask what was going on?”
“Yes, sir, there’s a spider in my car. It scared me, I was trying to get it off me, and I pulled over here so I could deal with it.” And he made that face. Like, oh, god another blonde suburban soccer mom feeding me a line of BS to get out of a ticket.
Except just then the spider ran up my leg onto my arm and despite my civilized instincts to not alarm an armed officer of the law, I freaked out, flailed my arm and WAAAH’ed, throwing the spider, finally, out of my car, and on to the police officer. Who leaped backward, WAAAH’ed, and frantically brushed the spider off of HIS arm.
Then blushed, nodded his head and said “Carry on, m’am” and walked back to his car.