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Dear Spammers - It seemed like a good idea at the time... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
terribleturnip

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Dear Spammers [Oct. 23rd, 2007|12:47 pm]
terribleturnip
[Current Music |Go From My Window, Pint and Dale]

Since home computer is still in the throes of adolescence -- sometimes it'll work, sometimes it won't get the hell out of bed -- and I just have NOT had time to deal with it. Or patience...since a tiny rational corner of my brain keeps insisting that an ax is not a viable computer fix when one does not have the budget for a new one. I've been reduced to often doing my e-mail web-based, which means pretty much NO spam filter. So, all of that crap that usually goes straight to the dustbin has to be manually tossed. Which is boring...

Dear Spammer,

For the record:

I've never won anything in my life except an occasional doorprize. If you really want to grab me, say I won "a month's supply of cheap hot dogs"
because, really, THAT'S the kind of prize I usually win.

My penis size is fine. Really. And it's attached to a very lovable guy who makes me happy. So I really don't want to mess with that. And "my new penis is waiting for me" ...does it have a name? What am I going to do with the old one? I'm pretty damn fond of the one I have...

Which also means that I'm not interested in the girls or boys on your site who want to meet me. I know enough people already, trust me. And I prefer that they come with references from other friends.

I can barely stand my current mortgage company, but better the devil you know. Besides, since you regularly insist that my sex life needs improvement, that the only way I can meet hot chicks is via the internet AND I'm looking to score painkillers, how financially astute can you be if you're going to loan that much money to someone with such serious self-esteem issues?

About the painkillers. Sweetheart, I can't take anything stronger than naproxen (which I can get cheap enough at Target) without some serious side effects that make me wish for JUST the pain again.

Why would I buy software from you? You people are usually the reason I HAVE to buy new software.

And finally, learn how to spell. I'm not buying anything from anyone that can't spell the product's name. Unless you're under 12 and selling lemonade. Plus, if your name was really Keith, you wouldn't spell it "Kieth". Amazon.com sells books of babynames. Think of it as a capital investment.

It's all I can to handle my own banking. While I'm all about the good samaritan thing, I'm not going to take on the responsibility of handling finances for someone in Nigeria or Estonia. I already do enough volunteer work to guarantee me a place in heaven, should such a place exist. Hell, I've done enough community service, I could probably get away with a lot of really bad behavior, a minor genocide, even, before I'd have to feel guilty about letting some widow of an ex-official find local help.

My name is not actually Turnip. So those Dear Turnip letters...I'm on to you. And Dear Meredither Kisen is another bit of a giveaway...

And finally, learn how to spell. I'm not buying anything from anyone that can't spell the product's name. Unless you're under 12 and selling lemonade. (Dear terminally geeky friends who blow blood vessels if they can't correct a misimpression: I KNOW it's misspelled on purpose and why. But I'm trying to be funny here. I'm okay with looking slightly misinformed if it means a funny bit. This is why I have friends and you're pretty much stuck with me.)

Plus, if your name was really Keith, you wouldn't spell it "Kieth". Amazon.com sells books of babynames. Think of it as a capital investment.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: pyllgrum
2007-10-23 05:08 pm (UTC)
My penis size is fine. Really...

It is these elaborate descriptions of your reality that keep my attention, dear.
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[User Picture]From: sestree
2007-10-23 05:17 pm (UTC)
No smart ideas about comparison shopping there .....

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[User Picture]From: pyllgrum
2007-10-23 05:20 pm (UTC)
Are you saying you are ont happy with your penis size?
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[User Picture]From: thatliardiego
2007-10-23 05:28 pm (UTC)
And "my new penis is waiting for me" ...does it have a name?

It is Megadik, come to your bedroom to make glorious joy with your new penis!
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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2007-10-23 05:40 pm (UTC)
But how do they know it's MY penis?

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[User Picture]From: thatliardiego
2007-10-23 05:56 pm (UTC)
Outside of package says "Turnip."

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[User Picture]From: thewhitedragon
2007-10-23 05:41 pm (UTC)
Wow, I didn't really I'd added you to my mailing list for the che@p vi@gr@! I'll take you off the list and to apologize for the inconvenience, if you'll email me your bank account I'd gladly add $1 million dollahrs to it.

Sincerely,
-Keith (see, I spelled it right this time!)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: thatliardiego
2007-10-23 05:57 pm (UTC)
Funny, you don't look Nigerian.
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[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2007-10-27 06:23 am (UTC)

Awwwwwww...

You're playing our song! Awww... and you spelled our names right... awwwwwwwwwwww!!!
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