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terribleturnip

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Thursday Lunchtime Randomness [Jul. 16th, 2009|01:12 pm]
terribleturnip
Does anyone have a jar of self-control? I want to put it on my desk with a sign that says "Have some!" Because, honestly, it's like I have a tapeworm. Well, a tapeworm that has it's mouth sewn shut, because it's all going on my hips.

Okay, I know it's stress, but still. I expected the stress to be over by now, but really, since I have had one, ONE, weekend off since March 7-8th, things have...piled up. And with Percy causing me to do near herculean clean-up tasks on bad days, and an extra load of laundry on a daily basis...Frayed about the edges doesn't even cover it.

I mean, I just ate half my container of sugar snap peas that is supposed to be my afternoon snack. It's 1:20pm. Approximately 30 minutes after finishing a nice little roast beef, asiago and roasted red pepper sandwich. And the pickles that were supposed to be my late afternoon snack.

I have taped the snow pea container shut and put it in a drawer underneath some other things. Now, at least I will have a chance to exercise that self control before I finish them off.

My appetite is like a toddler on a sugar rush.



Tuesday night on the way home from metro I felt sorry for a woman who was stuck talking to another woman, the latter in a wheelchair and somewhat socially impaired, most of the ride home. And Wheelchair Woman was talking really, really loudly. And asking Stuck Woman some rather personal questions about a date that Stuck Woman had been on that clearly made Stuck Woman uncomfortable.

They'd been to some event together and were on their way home. And Wheelchair Woman started talking about the roaches she'd seen wandering around wherever the hell they'd been and that was really ungluing Stuck Woman. Especially since it turned into a recounting of every roach experience that Wheelchair Woman had ever had.

Thankfully, Wheelchair Woman got off earlier than we did and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Because I have as much self-control over my speech as I do my appetite, I then said to Stuck Woman "Hey, for your sake, I didn't mention the rat I saw right before I came down the escalator. I didn't want to start her on Rat stories."

And she said, "Oh, thanks!" and laughed. And really, that would have been nice. But the next thing she says is "We were at Bible Study. You should join us next week. It's at Location X and...." frankly it all became buzz, buzz, buzz and I thought "hmm, actually Wheelchair Woman was at least entertaining. Your brand of social impairment, Stuck Woman is more subtle, but more annoying." I was passive aggressive and got off the car at the next stop and moved to another one. Where some guy pestered me for a dollar until I said "Dude, this is me sitting across from a "dial this number to report trouble" poster. This is my cell phone. Pick another car, or watch me dial."

But even he wasn't as annoying as Monster Truck Man. A truck that roared from behind me this morning and then dashed back in front of me, as if I were the ONLY thing that was keeping him from getting to work on time. It was a big noisy truck. Not in a normal way -- in a "I've installed something that makes my truck roar, belch exhaust and go a little bit faster" kind of way.

Annoying enough. But then he had a silver nut sack hanging off the back of the truck hitch. To say that this lovely piece of vehicle decor turns me into the world's biggest castrating bitch would be an undersell. I've clipped them off cattle, I've clipped them off hogs...your truck, sir, will be a cakewalk.

I mean, really, how long would it take, if I put a fake Hoo-Ha on the back (or front, I could argue either way) of my car (I mean, I AM a girl) before I got in trouble? Would that be allowed? Or would that fall under traffic distraction ordinances? Think about it, a big lifelike girlpart on the back of my car. Except I'd make sure there weren't any gray hairs because that's TOO true to life, you know? How many guys would drive off the road. Would I come back to the parking lot to find one of those trucks with nutsacks humping my car? If I hung a fake tampon string on it, would that be gross or funny as hell? Would it stop the nutsack trucks?

Anyway, in addition he had two bumperstickers on his car "Armed and Dangerous" and "Show me Your Tits". Nice. Violence, treating women like objects, using what I consider inappropriate language, never mind concepts. And then I look up and he's got a Fireman's Decal (couldn't tell the location from where I was...didn't want to pull up to close and have him thinking I was hitting on him. Or his truck.) and a Marine's decal on the back window.

Dear Marines and whatever FireHouse he was representing,

This A-hole is making you guys look very, very bad. If you would like his license plate number, I will be happy to pass it on. Oh, I know you've both got members who hold philosophies I would find abhorrent and many who engage in flaming assholery from time to time. But this jerk? He's pushing the envelope. Really. On behalf of my marine and firehouse friends who are rarely flaming assholes...except when I'm encouraging them...I would've have liked to continue the nut-snipping INSIDE the cab.

Why I could never be in government: Sotomayor Confirmation Hearings. Look, she's in. Cut the grandstanding and repetition and get the hell back to work. Sonia, here's a robe, there's the bench, here's your orientation guide and the key to the restroom. Have at it. The rest of you boobs, quit burning my taxpayer dollars and go do something useful. Go create a job, or help someone who's lost theirs, fix their car.

Although me as a Senator...it would be funny while it lasted. C'mon, you'd vote me in, just so that I could stand up regularly and call people on their BS. Although I'd need comfortable shoes because I'd be standing up all of the time.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: pyllgrum
2009-07-16 06:02 pm (UTC)

Georgia O'Keefe's monster truck

I'm thinking maybe you could glue a plastic orchid on your car's rear bumper?
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[User Picture]From: thatliardiego
2009-07-16 06:37 pm (UTC)

Re: Georgia O'Keefe's monster truck

I'm thinking a taco.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: pyllgrum
2009-07-16 07:31 pm (UTC)

Re: Georgia O'Keefe's monster truck

I've never seen a Georgia O'Keefe painting of a taco.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sestree
2009-07-16 06:15 pm (UTC)
You and Truman would've probably gotten along just fine....and frankly you would've scared the railroaders into backing down I bet.

I'd vote for ya !
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[User Picture]From: chellebelle74
2009-07-16 06:22 pm (UTC)
"he had a silver nut sack hanging off the back of the truck hitch"

These make my blood boil. If I wanted to see your balls flopping around, bub, I'd offer you a blowjob. Otherwise, keep those suckers undercover in public.

"If I hung a fake tampon string on it, would that be gross or funny as hell?"
I'm voting funny as hell. And it just might have the added benefit of making people drive a little nicer around you because they fear the hormones.

"C'mon, you'd vote me in"
You better believe I'd vote you in. You'd get shit done and make us all laugh while you did it. That's better than 100% of current Sentors.
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[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2009-07-16 07:05 pm (UTC)
Ditto, ditto, ditto!
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[User Picture]From: silvrwillow
2009-07-16 10:21 pm (UTC)
Everything chellebelle said. Hell yeah, you got my vote.
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[User Picture]From: giantsloth
2009-07-17 12:16 pm (UTC)
I yield the balance of my time to my colleague from Maryland, so that she may continue castrating trucks on the floor of the Senate.
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From: (Anonymous)
2009-07-17 05:45 pm (UTC)

BIG LOUD TRUCKS!.........from the rocketeer!

tiny winkies. NUFF SAID!!! No, I said NUFF SAID!!! I win



i think.
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