|Fear and Loathing at the Mall
||[Feb. 28th, 2007|09:44 am]
|||||Subdudes, Miracle Mule||]|
Yes, I had to go in search of shorts...and a bathing suit. Aaaiiieeee!
And gone bra shopping as well, but thankfully, Playtex has no idea that they make the only bra in the world that fits me, is comfortable, good-looking enough and is easy to find.
Damn. I just woke up the Discontinued Line Fairy, didn't I?
Anyway, shorts are traumatic enough. No matter what size I am, I'm always that size and a half. So, I can choose between slightly too tight or slightly too large. Slightly too tight works in a bodice. Not in shorts. Not with my butt. No way. Plus, if they're big enough to fit my butt and thighs, then I can fit a six year old in the waistband with me.
So let's say I find a pair that is not egregiously small or large in all the wrong latitudes. Then I have to deal with flared leg or straight. Standing up, the flared leg looks...old-ladyish, Mom-like. The straight leg looks so much better. Until I sit down and my thighs make that straight leg look like it's in some sadistic Ikea fabric testing facility. Sigh.
(Please, don't try to console me -- growing up surrounded by stork-legged women, I got so much battering about my big thighs -- don't ride a bike too much, you'll get big thigh muscles, you don't want to be a swimmer, they get huge thighs and then it turns to fat, you'll never win equitation classes with thighs that thick -- that I'll never be unselfconscious. Sure, as I got older and really started looking at pictures of my father's side of the family, then I realized that my thighs were big because I inherited them from turnip-pulling people and there was really nothing, short of the rack, that was going to make them long and skinny.)
I managed to find some that I'm not happy with, but will do. Yeah, flared leg and unfashionable, but better than the too big and worn out ones that are in my drawer currently. I would have been able to console myself with them being one entire size smaller than the last time I bought shorts, but of course, after putting them in the car, I launched "The Search for a new Bathing Suit", for which self-esteem crushing is far too mild a term. So crushing that it's been FIVE years since I last did this.
If seeing white pasty self mostly naked, crammed into some nylon strappy thing, which is compressing in all the wrong places and not very supportive where it actually needs to be, if that isn't depressing enough...it especially doesn't help that my torso is very long -- which means, even going down one size in shorts, still means going up two sizes in bathing suits. I thought I could get away with a 14, but in most suits, it means the bust area of the suit starts, well way below where my actual bust is. Maybe when I'm older my boobs will be down there, but thankfully, not yet. So 16 it is -- and let me tell you, that's not a real popular size to stock. AND they assume that if you wear a 16 you must be fat and need all sorts of waist minimizing devices and fluffy ribbons and shirring and crap to disguise your thickness. The fact that I have a waist is what consoles me, people, let THAT be seen. And with all that, most of the time they pad the boobs. Which I don't need. Especially since the padding part is always too small or poorly placed and in the "right" lighting, makes it look like I'm wearing nursing pads.
Look, being surrounded by mirrors in that lovely department store lighting is hard enough -- can they not find some kind of lighting that does not make my cellulite look like freaking moon craters? (Note to self: make sure you put moisturizer on your ashy self before you try on a bathing suit next time. The deck's stacked against you enough, without adding skin disease to the whole picture.)
So, 83 bathing suits later (oh, I counted. If I'm going to be traumatized, I'm going to know to the exact degree), I wind up with two that are okay.
I consoled myself with knowing that I wouldn't have to go through this again for years...and that I really, really deserved an ice cream cone on my way out of the mall.