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What was that noise? [Jul. 16th, 2010|10:01 am]
So, yes, we had an earthquake. I, of course, was on the toilet. My first thought because it was mostly an ominous rumbling, coming closer was “What the hell? Jet fighter really low, freight train re-routed through the back yard? DC now a smoking crater?” When everything in the house started shaking and rattling, my next thought “Great, the world is ending and I’m on the can. Figures.” Then, “Son of a bitch, I knew I should have gotten gas last night.”

And really, that pretty much sums up how my brain works in any given situation: What the hell – here’s how I am going to be humiliated – I should have planned for this.

Because of course, on the way home, my gas tank was almost empty and my mother’s voice reverberated in my head: always have at least a quarter of a tank of gas, what if there’s an emergency? But I whinged – it’s too hot, I’m tired – and procrastinated – I’ll do it in the morning – and regretted – now there’s an emergency and my mother was right because the mothership has landed and I don’t have enough gas to get out of Dodge – and was further thwarted – because the gas stations I stopped at were in emergency pump shut-down due to the earthquake – and berated myself – I am a lazy procrastinating loser and it will serve me right if I run out of gas on the way to work.

Which is another flowchart, I guess, of how my life works in general. One I’m not proud of. But perhaps you understand now, when DO plan, I plan against the worst case scenario. When you have a WORST CASE SCENARIO target on your back and wear the Procrastination Albatross around your neck, you tend to be a pessimist.

Update on earthquake: I get to work and pass by a colleague who said “Yeah, I know, I called 911 and they said they didn’t know what it was either, but their phones were ringing off the hook.” If am found dead of an embolism today, it will because all day long this phrase echoed in my head: You, a grown man, called 911 for this? Are you f-ing kidding me? Were you trapped under a fallen roof? It’s an emergency service, not a news agency!

Speaking of the colossal dumb: we have an open contracting position in our Meat, Poultry & Seafood department, specifically for processed meat (bacon, etc.). We often do phone interviews or e-mail questionnaires as a first step. When asked to describe “your specific protein experience” one applicant answered “I’m very familiar with protein. Recently, I decided that I needed to bulk up and gain some weight, so I researched various protein shakes and other products and used them to such success that I’ve added several pounds of additional muscle to my frame.”

Kid. You. Not.

And now, for some things that made me happy:


Seriously, if I had money to blow, I would fly to Oregon this weekend just to eat these. I usually consider cheese fries an abomination – mostly because it’s always cheese goo and rarely do I find anything palatable about cheese goo, unless I’m really, really drunk. But this, this is a freaking masterpiece! I may get an extra order of corned beef this week at the Royal Mile, just so I can take bits home to recreate this…

Yes, I am not sure which would be more effective – a massive flowerbed of these, or just random plants all throughout the yard. But I am full of WANT:

and finally: the first I want on my tombstone, just substitute “Meredith” for “Octopus”. The last is why I’m proud to be German.

(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: sestree
2010-07-16 02:13 pm (UTC)
Ok I'm with you on the cheese fries :) However I'm an old-school cheese tatortot person (helllllo Sonic - can you throw some chili on that?) so yes cheese is good. Well real cheese is good. Goop? not so much.

I cannot believe somebody called 911 over that lil tremor. However, I'm validated in knowing I wasn't the only one wondering about DC and it's probable demise via booom.

Love PassiveAggressivenotes dot com. teeeheeeeee
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From: kudrasslipper
2010-07-16 02:29 pm (UTC)
re flowers: um.... drool.

re tombstone: there will *never* be another Turnip. you are irreplaceable.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: fountaingirl
2010-07-16 03:55 pm (UTC)
LOLOL "Why did you feed me to death?" *baleful yet dead eyes*
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