||[Jan. 4th, 2011|03:44 pm]
I will admit that I've been very disappointed in Chinese Fortune Cookies lately. I feel as if there are only two companies left making them and they're both phoning it in. I'm leaving out the company that House of Hunan in Annapolis uses -- you know, the "adult" fortunes. That could be a separate company, or not. But those cookies are so damn stale, the company could have gone out of business ten years ago. Think of the shelflife on those puppies. Can you imagine how old they have to be to get stale while wrapped in plastic? |
There's the "Smiley Face" company, that begins and ends each fortune with a Smiley icon. And gives me lucky number and lotto numbers on the back. Seriously. If you can't think of your own numbers, you probably shouldn't be gambling anyway.
Then there's the "We don't know how to fix the printing register, so all of our fortunes are jacked up with blocks of random blue in the corners." Although at least they try to teach me some Chinese on the back of the fortune. Although what possible use knowing the Chinese word for Watermelon will be, I can't imagine. Toilet. Beer. Those are useful words, my fortune-writing friends.
My big beef is that they're often not fortunes any more, a lot of the time. A fortune is a foretelling. A prediction. Perhaps some words of wisdom. Now they seem to be getting bossy.
See, I hang on to fortunes that strike me in some way, and I post them on my bulletin board. And I have some true fortunes: All your hard work will soon pay off. You will be successful in your work. Which obviously I have posted in case my boss snoops around in my cube - see, my fortune cookie said...
And I have the obligatory poor English: You lead a useful life no matter what riches are coming to you. Happiness always accompanies with you.
But the rest? Bossy: Remember to share good fortune as well as bad with your friends. (Really? Wouldn't my friends rather I keep that bad fortune to myself?) Work hard and you will become more wealthy. (More wealthy than now shouldn't be too hard.) Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. (Let me out of the test tube, please) and finally, Everything is impossible until somebody does it.
Which sounds more like my mother than Confucious. Plus, it's one of those things that sounds inspiring when you first read it and then the more you think about it, the stupider and less true it sounds. No accident that it lives on the bulletin board right above "A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants."
Some of my better fortunes, where "better" = bizarre, yet awesome.
"It tastes Sweet."
"Some fortune cookies contain no fortune."
"Plan for many pleasure ahead."
"A man without aim is like a clock without hands, as useless if it turns as if it stands."
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
"Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies."
Fortunes fit rather nicely into an old Tic Tac container.
Yeah, as fun as those fortunes from HoH are - my God, the staleness is intolerable. I read them for grins, then leave the cookie part alone. I eat the orange sherbet cup instead.
ummmmmm, orange sherbet cupppppppppppppp