|Who cares why the chicken is crossing the road, I just want her to hurry up!
||[Jul. 20th, 2011|08:56 am]
Dear Driver, |
When you see me waiting at the side of the road waiting to cross the road and I wave you onwards, seriously, GO. Don’t throw down the politeness gauntlet and wave for ME to go. Oh, no, after YOU. No, after YOU, dear...come on, just freaking GO. I’m not going to go and we'll have a brief stare-off, and then you’re going to get pissed off at me for refusing your kind offer, and tear off in a huff and probably run over a squirrel or something because you're too busy rehashing the exchange and mentally ranting about how you'll never be nice to anyone again because it always bites you in the ass and you'll die a bitter misanthrope with squirrel guts all over your tires.
My feet hurt. Or I’ve got an old dog. Or whatever. The point is, I’m going to take a while to cross the road. And you know what, I’m not in a hurry. I’ve got all the time in the world. Well, theoretically the dog might not, but whatever, that’s going to happen whether we cross the road now, or in 13 seconds. As a matter of fact, that’s WHY I want you to go, so I don’t HAVE to rush him and maybe prolong the inevitable. Or, in my case, I hurt enough, please don’t make me try to hurry and be embarrassed because I’m all gimpy and have now stopped traffic and everybody's watching me and wondering what's WRONG with me.
I’m from New England. If I tell you to go, I MEAN it. I’m probably not even being polite, I’m just expediting travel.
I’m also a firm believer in hustling your butt to the other side when you’re holding up traffic. (Old, gimpy, handicapped by nature or by packages or children exempted, of course) Seriously, if leisurely stroll is the best you can do, then why don’t you let me go first? And leisurely stroll, with a pointed look, turning your head toward me and looking me straight in the eye as if to say “Yeah, I’m a pedestrian and you HAVE to wait for me to cross the road. I’m putting YOUR day on hold until I’m ready to let you have the road again. Ha!”
Just be sure it’s broad daylight, pumpkin, and there are lots of witnesses, sunshine, because I’ve watched enough CSI to know how to get your DNA out of my undercarriage.