||[Aug. 26th, 2011|04:15 pm]
Dear person running away from the monster, |
Don't keep turning around to look at them. It only slows you down. Unless you're going foil them with some object thrown in their path and thus need to know where they are...just keep running as fast as you can. Run until you think you're going to die and then run some more. What are you worried about? That you'll get too far ahead of them? Look, it's a monster, there's really no "okay" distance unless it's a giant slug monster and then you know you only need to outpace them to a big salt shaker, or keg of beer.
Dear guy with the "If you can read this sticker, thank a teacher. If you're reading it in English, thank a veteran",
Dude, right next to it is your "I served in Vietnam" sticker, so I know you're not a WWII veteran...which was probably the last time there was even a REMOTE possibility that the U.S. would be taken over by a country that didn't speak English. Look, thank you for your service. I let you cut in front of me, even though you failed to use a turn signal, so it was a bit of a surprise and it meant I had to slam on the brakes and my groceries fell on the floor. But don't push it. Best hope I don't happen to notice your car in a parking lot on some future date when I have spare time, adhesive tape, weatherproof material and a sharpie. Because I will add "Thank your history teacher if you understand why this bumper sticker is dumb."
Dear pedestrian, suddenly bolting out in front of me in the dusk, wearing dark clothing and staring me down as you saunter slowly across the crosswalk,
While it's true that I could possibly even go to jail if I run you down -- although the bolting and dark clothing give my lawyer something to work with -- I expect that's sort of cold comfort to a corpse.
Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you for the break in all of the handwringing about the economy. But if you want to put a little icing on the cake, give ol' Irene a nudge eastward, would you? Don't make me nostalgic for talk of a double dip recession.
We all have to puke from time to time. I get that. But to puke in the front hallway so I step in it when I come home and to ALSO have run upstairs and puked on my bed? It gets cold in Renaissance Faire season, you're really fluffy and I know people who do taxidermy. Do the math.