|Sometimes you just have to soldier on...
||[Oct. 4th, 2011|01:38 pm]
You may well think that I just sit down and whip these posts off. Out it flows like a river until it winds around to a conclusion, a snappy ending, some kind of closure – sometimes a little forced, I’ll admit that – but I only allow myself so much time to polish. I get one read through, once chance at bending it all better and then it’s out there. |
(I began with a twist on my favorite line from House of Cards: "You might well think that. I couldn't possibly comment." And you may well think that's not much of a quote, but it's delicious when delivered as Ian Richardson does in this short series. And if you haven't watched it...get ON it. Really. )
But it’s like photography in a way – for every one you’re proud of, there are hundreds that get deleted. (You children might not realize that this used to actually mean that you had to pay for hundreds to be printed in order to get one good one. Some of us seriously impinged on our beer budget to get that one great shot of Emma the Rhode Island Red. Now, pfhah, you can just snap away, erase, post directly to…unfreaking believable, really.) Where the hell was I?
Right. See, for every one of the ones I’m at least proud enough of (okay, unembarrassed enough) there are a half a dozen half-started. Or finished, but the journey wound in an infelicitous manner, or it wound up all preachy, or all angry without purpose or pointless and not funny…or some crucial flaw. Or, I started out in one place and wound up someplace else and I can’t justify them staying together, like a bad relationship. Sometimes I can tease out parts and set them free again and this time, with room to stretch and roam, they work it out. Other times they moulder.
This has not been a good week and a half. I have filled a file folder full of half starts. Pointless exercises – except that, at least I was writing. So, at the risk of going through the whole week without stuffing something into the maw of the reading universe (because, dear ones, I rely on the rest of you to entertain me while I shovel in my lunchtime salad, and when there is nothing new I’m reduced to reading industry news and that is a bit of a snoozefest and doesn’t even begin to scratch my need for social connection.
So, this is not a particularly good piece, but like mediocre pizza…hey, it’s still PIZZA and that’s not THAT bad. (Usually that’s a sex to pizza analogy, but there is not enough RAM to come up with a new analogy, trust me).
I fear that I will NEVER be warm again. After this weekend, of cold, and rain and damp...and then today...AGAIN. I feel as though the cold and damp have lodged in my bones and will never shake loose. I gave serious thought to wearing flannel pajamas to work on Monday.
Okay. If I HAD flannel pajamas. See, usually I'm the queen of "Gah, it's too hot, too hot, stuffy, sweating, I'm hot, it's all constricty, how people wear clothes to bed and get any sleep, I can't imagine!" But, okay, sweatpants and a fleece shirt. That would have felt nice to work in.
(Hey, you people working at home, sitting their in your sweatpants or flannel pajamas...now is NOT a good time to rub it in. Part of me thinks that a good physical work out would get the warmth back in my bones. Setting a gloating person on fire would constitute a good physical workout. Plus there'd be a fire. Win-win! I feel warmer just thinking about it.)
Naturally, the weather will be delightful this weekend at the Faire and I will be away. As I was for the only other pleasant weekend this season. Which means that, for the sake of all of my friends, I should stay away for the remainder of the season. Lovely choice, THAT.
I’m finally warm today, but by noon, developed another sinus headache, which isn’t boding well for the rest of the week. ALTHOUGH, I’m beginning to suspect that it may have nothing to do with actual illness and a lot to do with just having too much in my head. Here’s where I should throw out fancy computer terms – like using all of my RAM or, oh, hell, I don’t know – I know food, I know critters, I know legalese, I know how to bend a major manufacturer to my will, but seriously, when it comes to computers, I’m all caveman just discovered fire.
Here’s what inspired me, though – since my work computer is aged, and I tend to be a bit of a multi-tasker, I often max it out. My little task manager is green bars all the way to the top, and I’m cursing, waiting for a report.
I think that’s where my head is right now. After all, it’s a crazy busy week – Shanty Sing tonight, AFTER a going away party for a colleague, Wednesday the only night at home, Thursday a dinner with friends, then getting ready to head off to friends’ wedding this weekend. Plus, my quiet week at work has now had our community service day inserted, so I’ll spend a half day at some historical site, pulling weeds, digging stumps and taming shrubbery. And two major off-site client meetings, one of which is to audit their test-kitchen’s sustainability program, another major client presentation here and…oh, yeah, on Friday in between an onsite and offsite meeting, I’m moving to a cube with WINDOWS. WINDOWS.
WINDOWS. Sorry, task manager was at 100% and I got stuck. You have no idea how happy this makes my seasonal affective syndrome self happy. My little Danish depressive soul thinks it might be able to make through another winter! My plants won’t be so pathetic.
Aaaand, after the first of the year, I will be transitioning several of my categories to other team members. Which means I might actually have a chance of being able to do a decent job next year, instead of sitting here at my desk, feeling as if I’ve let everyone down, as if everyone is pissed off because I owe them something that is late, late, late (actually that’s not even a feeling. It’s pretty much true, although I have to give my colleagues credit, they are being more reasonable and understanding than I would have expected), and basically weighing whether chewing my wrists open and bleeding out at my desk would FEEL BETTER than trying to deal with one more thing.
And I’m excited about the new cube, about the possibility that I might have a manageable workload – but of course, both involve even MORE work up front. And my head is very full of happy, unhappy, joy and frustration, but mostly it is just FULL. Things are queuing up just to be THOUGHT about.
So, I’m thinking that the pounding headache, the frequent facial flush and slight fevery feeling might not actually be an impending cold…just a hard drive on the way to being fried.
Also, remember the marigolds I wrote about last week -- they are STILL in a vase on my desk. Some of the blossoms have passed on, but others have opened up. Some were looking a little funny, and I thought it was just random deformation, but then I noticed the frass on the leaves and my desk. Frass. Caterpillar poop. That's the best word for crap, EVER. So, the caterpillar is gone and I am just amazed that the flowers, cut almost two weeks ago, continue to thrive. I pulled them out to freshen up the ends and they've grown ROOTS in the vase, like mint or a perennial. It's an annual and they don't usually do that. I may just make this flower my role model. In less than ideal conditions, covered in FRASS, it soldiers on and invents new ways to thrive DESPITE everything.