|Like lightning, almost random, not as painful
||[Dec. 12th, 2011|04:10 pm]
Dear Name Redacted Supplier. You are a multi-million dollar packaging company. Yet your catalog pictures, showing food packaged in your products, look as if you hired the same photographer that Good Housekeeping hired in 1957 to do the photographs for the 101 Favorite Ground Beef Dishes cookbook. Did you use special filters to get those lifeless, flabby colors? Did you miss that whole “mist the food with water or oil” trick to make it look more natural? Look, there’s a reason why food is almost always shown against a colored background that mirrors and enhances its color – thus lemons go in yellow bags, potatoes in brown mesh, tomatoes in red mesh, meat on red…or black or white, against which most food looks if not great, at least pretty good. Very few foods can stand up to a solid orange background, and none can stand up to solid blue. Look at that hamburger…it looks so frightened and lost against that solid blue wall of color!|
Seriously, this is your business. Hire a pro. Or, there’s this thing called the internet. On it, exist hundreds of blogs written by people who really like food. They take really good pictures of food with their freaking PHONES. Hire one of them. Please…stop making my eyes bleed.
Dear Human Resources. Up here in Name Redacted Department, we’re into the last three weeks of the year and only have 85% of our work completed. You can ask Finance to do the math, or just trust me when I say this is NOT GOOD. So, it’s time for our annual tradition of panic and chaos. Which means, of course, that we are, as I write, busily taking the concept of hostile work environment to a new level. Please issue a memo today warning the rest of the company that unless they have a very high level of comfort with f-bombs, profanity, crude and crass talk, harassment of all flavors and jokes that are only funny to people under a high degree of stress and think that genitals are, by nature, belly-laugh inducing, they should avoid our section of the building at all costs. Children and fragile flowers WILL be scarred for LIFE. Please do not repeat last year’s experiment of wrapping our department in caution tape. The ladies room is outside of our departmental area and while you might find it hard to believe, if you hit that tape at just the wrong speed, it delivers one hell of a plastic burn.
Dear Self. The high school swim team practices until nearly 5pm. Do not show up to swim at 5pm, ever again. Your self-confidence will take months to recover from being surrounded by twenty or so fit, svelte, unclothed high school girls. Plus, your county clearly has a high percentage of swim team members of Asian descent, which pushes the fine-boned, long-limbed, delicate quotient even higher. Now I know why the dinosaurs died out…lumbering around with those massive bodies, waving their short little arms, surrounded by all of those tiny, sleek mammals…clearly they just got depressed and died. Be smart. Go in the morning when all the fat old ladies go, so that you can cling to “not bad for your age”.
I had to correct a colleague today who mistakenly believed that lobsters mated for life. I knew that they didn’t, but went searching for back-up and found this. Even I did not actually know all of this, which appalls my inner Yankee. I'm extremely irritated that I'm so busy right now, because this article contains seeds of at least three hysterical posts...that I don't have time for. Grrr.
(edited seventeen times because clearly I'm losing my ability to babysit a conference call and have consistent grammar at the same time...expletive.)