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Perspective [Sep. 25th, 2012|04:23 pm]
So, I’m in Whole Paycheck, which usually puts me in a bad mood, being overly filled with the self-entitled and spoiled. (And trust me, 20+ years of working in gourmet food, I can tell the difference between them and people who just want really good or really careful groceries.) And the retail manager in me will never completely die, so when a hissing fit broke out at the rotisserie chicken counter, I was helplessly drawn to it. Turns out one SES bitch was having a hissy because another woman had taken her chicken. I didn’t see the lead up, but SESB screeched “You SAW that I was taking those two chickens and while I was putting one in my cart, you took the other one. That’s mine, give it back.”

The other woman leaned in and made some quiet, let’s not make a fuss, but I’m not giving you back this expletive chicken, it’s mine reply.

Here’s the thing – there is a whole SHELF of chickens. I will allow that maybe there were different varieties and maybe the woman wanted a matched set and now this abomination of humanity took the very chicken that she had mentally claimed because of course she could only hold one at a time. And this SESB would NOT give up. The Abomination (aka, just some lady who wanted a chicken and is now being pecked to death by this over-Pilated, Chihuahua-voiced, two hundred dollar sneaker-wearing chicken fetishist. No, sorry, that’s an insult to fetishists. And Chihuahuas) tried to reason with the woman, gesturing to all of the other overpriced chickens just waiting for a home. But SESB was having none of it. And started to escalate “Is that fun for you? Diving in and taking the very things that other people are reaching for? What’s WRONG with you? You should be ashamed of yourself” and finally the Abomination came to her senses, waved her hand, and holding her chicken firmly, walked away.

I will allow that maybe the Abomination did snatch the chicken – she had that vague air of shifty whackaloon (see retail manager senses referenced above) so it’s not out of the question. She could have indeed been in the wrong.

But still. That’s a lot of agitation to unload over a chicken – especially when there are a dozen OTHER chickens you could choose from. And I would have let it go, except, SESB is now so wound up that she is now explaining what happened and trying to enlist several bystanders into agreeing with her that a crazy person STOLE her chicken and civilization as we know it is coming crashing to a halt, particularly one woman who is desperately hoping that they’ll finish slicing her deli order so that she can get away from SESB who is now being promoted to SESB Harridan, since she’s getting screechier and the veins on her neck are starting to stand out.

And since I’m a firm believer that civilization is coming to a crashing halt because everyone’s gotten so damn touchy and offendable, lost all sense of proportion and will get their tits in a wad over things that just don’t MATTER….I wheeled my cart up to SESBH, who is now screeching over the counter at the poor people who spend all day putting up with people like her, nights, weekends and holidays, listening to the BS of all of the SES’s, male and female, young and old, for what amounts to barely above minimum wage, tapped her on the shoulder and said:

“Hey, m’am, that’s really too bad about your chicken.” And as she opened up her mouth to unleash the story and fury, I said “What’s really sad, though, is that in Africa today, easily a dozen children will die of starvation and malnutrition”, pointedly looking at her little golden-haired future SESB sitting in the cart.

“What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?” she said angrily.

“You didn’t get the exact chicken you wanted. Kids are dying because they don’t have any food to eat at all. Just thought I’d throw down some perspective. You have a nice evening with your second choice chicken.”

Which shut her gaping gob right up and I wheeled away.

And yeah, I got a slow clap and “Bravo” from the lady waiting for a deli order.

[User Picture]From: sequinedlovenun
2012-09-25 08:31 pm (UTC)
Like I didn't already love you. . .
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[User Picture]From: quislet
2012-09-25 08:39 pm (UTC)
Claiming "Second Choice Chicken" for my band name!
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[User Picture]From: kiltboy
2012-09-25 08:51 pm (UTC)
Bravo from over here as well. Well done.
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[User Picture]From: chellebelle74
2012-09-25 09:16 pm (UTC)
You get a slow clap and a Bravo from me too. Well done, my dear.
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[User Picture]From: queenmaggie
2012-09-25 10:14 pm (UTC)
I wanna grow up to be you.
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[User Picture]From: im_geva
2012-09-25 10:28 pm (UTC)
Damn but I wish I could have seen this in person.
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[User Picture]From: dreamtigress
2012-09-25 10:31 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: pyratelady
2012-09-26 02:07 am (UTC)
...over-Pilated, Chihuahua-voiced, two hundred dollar sneaker-wearing chicken fetishist...

That's fantastic. I'm also picturing yoga pants, one of those overdecorated t-shirts with jewels on it, and a bracelet full of Troll beads.
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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2012-09-27 12:12 pm (UTC)
She was a bit underdressed for her type, but yes, yoga pants, of course.
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[User Picture]From: fountaingirl
2012-09-26 03:52 am (UTC)
clapping gif
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[User Picture]From: pyllgrum
2012-09-26 10:53 am (UTC)
Do you wear a cape and tights when you perform this function?
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[User Picture]From: russell_moore
2012-09-26 04:44 pm (UTC)
nice reply ... almost too kind though, but that's just me I guess

I would have taken the chicken that she had put in her cart while she was distracted and screaming at the employees, then watched from a distance as she discovered it gone

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[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2012-09-27 02:22 am (UTC)
Eeeeeeeee...! Helpless laughter! Eeee!

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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2012-09-27 12:16 pm (UTC)
Ah, but in order to teach civility, one must model it. Good revenge tactic, but that would be stooping and I'm all about dragging my fellow man, kicking and screaming, up to my level. The last thing I want to do to someone who's fetishizing their victimhood is to give them an excuse to keep it up. Expletive that. Shaming. That's the most effective behavior mod for an SESB.
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[User Picture]From: russell_moore
2012-09-27 12:32 pm (UTC)
"Good revenge tactic, but that would be stooping and I'm all about dragging my fellow man, kicking and screaming, up to my level."

that is yet another reason to know you is to love you ... doing your best to shame the world into being a better place rather than simply responding with a brutal bitchslap

the ying to my yang

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[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2012-09-27 02:22 am (UTC)
Good one, Turnip. You are, indeed, my hero.
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