||[Nov. 27th, 2013|11:55 am]
I'm posting these random bits because for four days I've had a headache on one side of my skull that is probably NOT the same thing as having a spike driven through it, but in my weaker moments, I liken it to that. At one point, when it started, I was laying down and it woke me up and I thought, ah, I'd better not stand up. What if it's a blood clot and I shake it loose and then it hits my heart and BAM, dead. I should just lay here and maybe...I dunno, it might dissolve? And, as queen of the glass half empty, but also empress of WASPY worrying about things that really don't matter, I started worrying. I should leave a note so people know where to find things like bank accounts and insurance. Hmm, the litter box isn't very clean and that'll be problematic. Did I leave something upstairs on the nightstand that should probably be put away, in case my mother's the next person in here? I should put more cat food in the bowl so they don't have empty stomachs and start nibbling on me too quickly. Or text a neighbor and ask her to check up on me if my car's still in the driveway tomorrow afternoon. And as seriously worried as I was about standing up and shaking DEATHCLOT free, I got up anyway because damn the litterbox really did need cleaning, and I had to pee. And I lived. But now it's three days later and it still hurts and I'm stuck in the conundrum of "if I go see a doctor, it will be NOTHING and I'll have to feel embarrassed for not being able to ride out a little headache" or "No one will know what it is, and after dozens of tests and shrugged shoulders, I'll just have to learn to live with it, which I should have done in the first place". OR, blow it off and drop dead over Thanksgiving weekend. So, I'm going to the doctor, but just to cover all pessimistic bases, I didn't want these gems to linger in my drafts folder. (Don't worry, I'll totally live. How could I die, knowing that these were my last words? Seriously.)
Cranberries. How can a store be out of cranberries the week of Thanksgiving? When they convene the next Council of SuperLame Superheroes, surely I’ll garner a spot thanks to my superpower of being able to choose the one store that is out of the most basic ingredient. I can choose between several Giants, several Safeways, a Harris Teeter, a Shopper’s Food Warehouse, Trader Joes, Whole Foods, Wegman’s, and several large international/Asian markets. Yet in the past several months of shopping, the stores I chose to shop in on a particular day were out of the following items: the aforementioned cranberries. Last week, broccoli. Before that, zucchini. Woolite. Saran Wrap. Brown sugar. For crying out loud, it’s not like I’m looking for endive, or pomegranate molasses. Brown sugar. Broccoli. How the hell do you run out of stuff like that?
I got a sample of hand lotion from a company that makes skin care items that all riff on a cocktail theme. I need to give it away, though, since it’s called Cucumber Martini and I rub it on my hands….and lose all interest in working. Not good at 9am.
Dear people who know me socially, but have never worked with me…please stop endorsing me for skills that as far as you know, I may or may not have. It’s sweet…but it’s not really helping my career when someone who makes pottery for renaissance faires and craft festivals endorses my supply chain management skills.
Hey, those rolls of parchment paper in the grocery store or cooking store? Expletive that. Make your baking ten thousand times easier: right now, pull your credit card from your wallet, go to King Arthur Flour and buy the pre-cut parchment sheets. Half sheet is what will fit your cookie sheets and baking sheets. It will be the best $25 you’ve spent in a long time. Expletive you, scissors. Expletive you, bent cookies, because the rolls aren’t actually sized for the sheets/pans you’re using, so you fold it so you don’t have to go get scissors and wind up with those strips of parchment paper rolling around the kitchen. But they never quite fold right and there’s always that bent cookie in the corner. Which, okay, is your test cookie. But you know what? You deserve a GOOD cookie, a perfect cookie! Go now, and purchase.
'It's a horrible thing. You take animals and just kill them? What kind of world are we living in?' says Name Redacted, a local neighborhood association president who joined dozens of people at an August roadside protest denouncing the slaughters.
Dear Mr. Redacted. We live in a world where…well, pretty much where someone or something is taking animals and killing them, pretty much 24/7. Do you stay indoors a lot? Under a rock? Without a television, windows, the internet or an aged set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
If so, then I suppose it’s understandable that you may not have noticed that the world we are living in is comprised of beings that essentially take other beings, kill them and consume them. I mean, I hope you’re a vegan, because if you’re not, I’m a little appalled that we live in a world where such a hypocritical moron could be elected to any kind of office. But okay, let’s say you don’t condone the killing of animals for food. Okay.
Those turkeys you’re struggling to save? Murderous bastards. Oh, sure, they eat a lot of salad. But insects, bugs, worms? Oh, they’re grabbing them and killing them left and right. Ditto, frogs, snakes and other small reptiles and amphibians. Blood, blood on their beaks, by god!
I don’t want to cast aspersions here, but I’m going to guess that you’re the kind of dude that will admire the sight of a hawk on wing and then get all twinked because said hawk swoops into your yard and nabs a sparrow from your birdfeeder. You’d better not have a cat, Mr. Redacted. Or if you do, it had better be an indoor cat.
But let’s say you’re determined to live in your Big Candy Mountain, Malibu Barbie world, where nothing has a navel and all the nutrition you need comes flowing out of some crack in a rock somewhere…drowning ants, no doubt, but let’s let that pass for now. And you are anti-anything killing anything. Now I could just wait here, and sooner or later, you’d wake up, eyeballs deep in rats, mice, turkeys, raccoons and dozens of other omnivores pissed off that they’ve been made vegetarian.
What’s going to happen to those turkeys you love so much, Mr. Redacted? Well, first, they’ll get fat and happy and breed as many baby turkeys as they can. Who will grow up and eat every shred of vegetation in your town. And you, my friend live on an island. Oh, sure there are bridges, but odds are, most of those turkeys are going to be stuck on your island. Until they eat everything. And eat it so HARD, season after season, that they’ll actually kill off the vegetation beyond recovery. And then what’s going to happen is that they’ll slowly start to starve to death. That’s assuming that such a large concentration of a single species in one place doesn’t turn your entire neighborhood into a hotbed of disease. Because that’s another likely scenario.
The whole freaking world is set up so that everything living is killed and consumed by something else, Mr. Redacted. That’s how it expletive works. In Connecticut we had so many turkeys it was actually stressing the eco-system, so they imported polecats. My parents got mad at the polecats because they used to have flocks of dozens of turkeys showing up in the backyard feeding from the bird feeders. And post-polecats, the turkeys became much rarer. Which is good, because while it’s fun to look out in the backyard and see 48 turkeys wandering around? It’s saying something very bad about the balance of your eco-system.
Hey, did you see me asking for advice on headaches? No. So, don't. If I'm still alive, I'll track you down and punch you. If I'm not, well, hey, I was RIGHT and you can keep your petty little advice.