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Random thoughts in the grocery store [Oct. 27th, 2007|11:49 am]

I’m very happy to see people who are comfortable in their own skin – okay with their body, no matter what shape it is. And I get put in a fair rage when I see the Tabloids crowing that this actress or that singer has cellulite on her thighs, looky, looky! Please. If you’re over 35 and you DON’T have a grapefruit dimple here or there, THAT’S newsworthy. While I generally have a hard time drumming up sympathy for folks pestered by paparazzi – if you hate it so much, quit and get a job at UPS making a normal salary – still, you start lurking around trying to get a picture of a butt or thigh dimple and throw it on the front page…well, I would punch you. Even though it’s completely normal and a sure sign that at least you’re not anorexic.

But still, when you have an ass the size of Kansas, I’m thinking that tight white pants that are thin enough for me to be able to read the label on your underwear, when your butt has enough cellulite going on that “Lunar Surface” is what comes to my mind, this is not a good fashion choice for you. But still, good for you, for being okay with it.

But please, o, please, don’t cruise the grocery store leaning over the front of your cart like that, so that those pants are pulled unmercifully tight and every time I come around the corner, I’m confronted AGAIN with the full moon of your BOB. On the other hand, you DID keep me out of the cookie aisle.

Actually, I never go up the cookie aisle. Or the childcare aisle. Or the pet aisle. (with my herd, I need the fullservice petmarket). Next time I have some extra time, I’m going to do it. I don’t even know what’s up those aisles. Maybe I’m missing something.

So, why is it easier to score crack than Diet Mountain Dew? (I’m not telling you where I shop, my crackhead friends, find it yourself.) About half the time I go to the grocery store, they’re out of 2 liter bottles. Now, because I’m the pushy youknowwhat I am, I’ve even addressed this with the stockers. Who tell me that it always sells out before the regular. Which leads me to suggest – so put a few less rows of the regular and a few more of the diet. To which, twice I’ve gotten the answer “Corporate says we always need at least twice as many rows of the regular as the diet.” Well, THAT makes me feel better – it’s a corporate conspiracy. Conspiracy of idiots….

And I have to wonder, since I shop at several markets around the area, why it is that I always manage to the time slot when the local retirement home is bringing a busload of residents in for their shopping. At first I enjoy being helpful, reaching up for things they can’t quite get to. And sometimes cute couples consulting their lists, working as a team, carefully choosing what they should get. But it’s about the forty-fifth time I have to dodge or weave or push aside a cart that’s just parked in the middle of the aisle while some geezer is comparing the price per ounce of tomato soup, that my patience abruptly comes to an end. You may be retired, but you never retire from being considerate, okay? Just because you’re old and have managed to hang on past your minimum allotted years…I don’t owe you anything just because of your age. For all I know, you’ve been a absolute sh*t for 70 years. So don’t give me the hairy eyeball because I’ve touched your cart so that I could get on with my life. Remember who’s paying your social security and park your cart so that other folks can get by.

[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2007-10-27 04:05 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you've had a tough day... so not a good time to rag you about how toxic, fattening and generally bad for you diet sodas (or the regular ones) are. :) Sigh... I used to love Mountain Dew... back when it tasted like something other than chemicals- or I liked the taste of chemicals or something.

You know, I don't think you're misanthropic so much as sensible. At least, you sure sound like the voices in my own head when I'm forced to go through a grocery store! I sure am enjoying reading your posts...
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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2007-10-28 03:20 pm (UTC)
Hey, I don't drink to excess, I don't smoke, I don't gamble, I don't cheat on my taxes and the only laws I break are the ones pertaining to speed limits and I'm not going to mention the other one but it's MINOR.

I grew up eating boxed and canned outrageously colored and preservatived foods. Picking vegetables while the pesticide sprayers sprayed overhead. Parents who smoked. I was in utero during my mother's final year of college and attended every frat party she did. Was a lifeguard indoors with the chlorine and chemicals during the winter, added sunlight to it during the summer.

At this point, the Dew doesn't have a chance to catch up!
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[User Picture]From: pyllgrum
2007-10-27 04:59 pm (UTC)
I’m confronted AGAIN with the full moon of your BOB

I'm assuming this is the non-battery operated BOB. Otherwise it is just TOO frightening to conceive.
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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2007-10-28 03:12 pm (UTC)
I've always used BOB to stand for Big Ol' Butt...until I met Angi...
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[User Picture]From: mistressfetch
2007-10-29 01:07 pm (UTC)
BOB, Big Butt and Angi. All in one sentence :-) *tear* :-) hehehehe
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