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I suffer so you can learn...or at least laugh - It seemed like a good idea at the time... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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I suffer so you can learn...or at least laugh [Nov. 5th, 2007|01:27 pm]
So, I walk into the mini-mart to pick up some Dew for work since the container that I thought was full of them was actually only getting hooked on something else and thus only FELT heavy with DietDewFruit. And I'm coughing as I go in (into the crook of my arm because I'm thoughtful AND a germ geek) but manage to settle down as I go up to the register...but she took too long to give me change and I couldn't stifle the next fit. "Oooh, that sounds bad, whatever you've got" she says. And instead of just nodding and leaving, I decide to reveal today's Lesson Learned: Breathe Air, Swallow Spit. Which left her testing her ability to do the same...

Which got me thinking of other incredibly incompetent things I've done lately.

This weekend, at the end of pub adventure, offering a ride to a friend, which meant folding the seats back up so that a human could occupy the greyhound area of the car, which was complicated (of course) because I had run out of time and we'd left home still packing several ghosts and dummies in the back, and then got back to the hotel where I realized that my purse was still sitting on the ground in the pub parking lot where I'd put it down to fix the seats. (I know -- why the hell did I put it on the ground and not in the front seat? Damn IPA.)

But hey, someone was looking out for me. Or at least, not looking out for my purse, since we drove back and there it was, sittin' all perky like right next to my ex-parking space.

But that's not that funny, is it? Sad, actually. I'm glad as hell that it was still there, but I've now officially used up all my good luck for the year and there's still two months left.

Okay. So, standing underneath one of the spiders I hung in our spiderweb scenario, holding onto it with one hand so it doesn't fall, and I reach down and snip the line holding anchoring it to its groundstake.

Except of course, I'm holding the wrong spider. Bam. Who knew that paper mache spiders were so damn heavy? Lesson #2: Tug on the line to make sure you're cutting down the right thing.

And that head injury may well explain the next incident. After years of happily coiling extension cords the slow way -- coiling it into a circle and then wrapping the center -- I decide, jealous of having watched the Captain's super-efficient wrapping it around his arm, palm to elbow and then slipping the cord off to centerwrap -- hey, why don't I stop being so lame and do it the easy way? After all, this is not small potatoes on Scary Perry -- I use more than twenty 50-100 feet cords in my yard alone.

Oh, if only I could have sold tickets, though, when I realized that I had wrapped the cord between my palm and elbow so tightly that I now could not slip it off. As a matter of fact, I couldn't get out of it at all. And sure, I could have thought calmly about it and managed it -- but it was like that old chestnut of advice: when the 15 foot anaconda has wrapped itself around your neck, just grab the tail and unwind it. Easy to say when you don't have the King Kong of snakes wrapped around your neck.

Oh, I know, it was an ELECTRICAL CORD, ya giant wuss, not a big ol' snake. But see, in trying to get out, I started a back spasm, so now I'm being stuck in the back by a giant metaphorical pitchfork, which is made worse every time I try to twist my arm out of the freaking coil and the end of it that I COULD unwind is now dangling out of reach and when I try to reach for it, my back says OH HELL NO! And of course, the German in me is determined that all of my hard work will not be wasted, that surely there is a way to get it off of me without unraveling it all and having to start all over again.

So, there I am, one arm wrapped tight in a big coil of orange extension cord, spinning around the side yard like some kind of deranged human top, howling "ow, ow, ow" and many other expletives that I won't repeat for fear of blistering the letters off of my keyboard.

Sure, eventually (ten seconds, maybe) the bastard slithered off my arm and I resumed my slowpoke manual coiling. And no one saw it. It had to have been funny as hell.

But anyway, lesson #3: Sometimes the slow way is better. But if you want to try it the other way, get a spotter. Or at least an audience.

[User Picture]From: dawntreader90
2007-11-05 08:24 pm (UTC)
"D'Oh" comes to mind. :)
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[User Picture]From: regineaubergine
2007-11-05 08:28 pm (UTC)

3 ways to coil the cord

Poor pitiful you! I made a similar mistake the first time I tried the palm to elbow technique. The trick is not to wrap too tightly and, when you are done coiling the cord, just straighten out your arm. I have become almost an “expert” at the palm/elbow technique. My buddy James put away our extension cords this year and he uses the slow coil on the ground method (the same technique I use for the garden hose). The other strange-weird method I have occasionally used, I picked up from watching some construction crews clean up their cords; they essentially make a daisy chain of slip-knots, one after another. This is nice if you want to use the extension cord but don’t want to uncoil the whole darn thing.
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[User Picture]From: 67_charger
2007-11-05 11:17 pm (UTC)

Re: 3 ways to coil the cord

Actually there is a fourth way. Do it like a rope: Hold one end with the other hand loosely holding the cord, straighten your arms out to the sides, tighten hand on rope bring to hand holding end, repeat until end of cord. I guess you could repeat after the cord runs out, but then you'd look as silly as trying to get it off your arm.

From what I have been told in the past is that this helps the cord from twisting on itself like DNA so it lasts longer.

Thinking about it, this is similar to coiling it on the ground, but you already have it in hand when you are finished.

Yea, I know, too much, too late.

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[User Picture]From: regineaubergine
2007-11-06 01:52 am (UTC)

Re: 3 ways to coil the cord

Well, yeah, that works too. I guess there are actually way more than 3 ways to coil the extension cords; my husbands technique is the "tangled wad of cord" method. Basically just jumble it all up into a smaller pile of cord and don't worry about it 'cause surely YOU will not be the one to need it next. OK that was a little bitchy but I'm just sayin'. This, however, can be very annoying to deal with the next time you want to use it. (i'm the one in charge of putting away our Xmas tree lights too for this very reason!)
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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2007-11-06 12:54 pm (UTC)

Re: 3 ways to coil the cord

Yo, my dearly geeky friends! You are numbering the different ways to coil an extension cord. Oh, stop me from having a party where we play "who can coil the extension cord fastest". Trophies for "neatest coil".

Waiddaminute...wow that WOULD make Halloween cleanup easier! Hmmmm.
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[User Picture]From: majorchaos
2007-11-05 08:47 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA... That was a good laugh...Thanks! My internal video is playing out the scene as you described it and it was just so funny. Wish I had a real video. Where was the good Cap'n during all this... curled on the ground trying not to laugh and be sympathetic?
You are to funny.
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[User Picture]From: chellebelle74
2007-11-05 09:19 pm (UTC)
*Snork* I'm so glad you share these things with us. It certainly helps me make sure I clean my monitor on a regular basis. :-) And for what it's worth, I've been doing the palm/elbow technique for years and I still manage to flub it on a regular basis. Coordinated I am not...
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[User Picture]From: ferlonda
2007-11-05 11:50 pm (UTC)
*Snork* indeed! Whew... I needed that...

Don't you love knowing you're so helpful to your friends by providing them with such quality goofiness? You are soooo talented...
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[User Picture]From: terribleturnip
2007-11-06 12:57 pm (UTC)
Oh, sure, some of you can play instruments. Some of you can pull coins from behind my ear. Some of you can sing. Some of you can tune a HURDY GURDY. I can be physically incompetent and describe it vividly for your amusement.

On a resume...not so helpful.
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